I feel shitty enough to not want to go to class, but not shitty enough to not feel guilty about not going.
OMG! DO WANT!
Are delicious, but sometimes they make my mouth hurt and my belly groan “ahh that was sour and acidic and it feels funny!” But I’d say they’re worth the price of admission. I like the seedy bites the best. And I like scooping them out of their furry skin with a spoon. They’re so ugly outside, but pretty inside. Like those dull rocks that you smash with hammers to find that they hold perfect purple crystals. What are they called? Geodes.
I just saw Howl tonight. Liked it a lot. I think I would have a hard time reading Howl on paper- I think it’s really meant to be heard. And I loved the animations that accompanied the reading. I would like to see it again stoned.
The walk home was a little treacherous. Sidewalks are slick and the rain dripped off my nose. And my brown bag of donuts got soaked. I fear that my breakfast may be soggy tomorrow. Good thing I have kiwis.
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I’m a sucker for girls with short hair. Emma Watson’s haircut= big crush.
Speaking of girl crushes, I really want to date/have sexy-times with women more. I’m in a relationship with a guy, but I can’t help but long for women. I wish poly relationships were easier to navigate and more acceptable. And that being bisexual were more of a legitimate option. I don’t even like the term “bisexual” because I find it to constricting. I don’t like the gender binary system, so why would I define my sexuality based on it? Because “pansexual” is too hard to explain on a daily basis. Also, by looking at me no one considers that I’m anything but straight. It sucks. And it makes me want to wear rainbows and get facial piercings so people get the idea, but that isn’t really my style. Sometimes I wish I went to an all girls’ college so that lesbianism would be normal and no one would be surprised at my sexuality. But I also really like guys, and I would be unhappy if I didn’t have that option available to me.
Basically, I feel queer but I don’t fit in with the culture. And I feel excluded because of my heterosexual appearance. But I don’t even want that appearance, I just have it. Funny, cause in high school people thought I was a dyke, and I didn’t.
stop. The world.
Well I made it through finals week. My feminism paper ended up being shorter than it was supposed to be and probably shitty, but my professor gave me an A anyway. I guess she liked me. And my Organic and Neurogenic Language Disorder exam was fucking hard, but I did surprisingly well on it. 3.7 for the semester. Word.
Now I’m on break. Haven’t done applications yet. I am dreading it so much. I’m so afraid of not getting into grad school that I don’t even want to apply. But that’s silly and I have to apply. I don’t know what I’ll do though if I don’t get in anywhere. I don’t think I could handle living at home, and I don’t have the money to move out. I just really want to have a job already and be able to afford life.
I wish the world would stop for a minute so I could just enjoy a break for real. I don’t like how the new semester is looming in the near future, and I feel guilty all the time for not working on applications. I just want it all to go away and have a real vacation.
Things going on:
This might be the first time in a month that I’ve been awake past 2 am. So weird, because I’m usually essentially nocturnal. Lately though I’ve been very reasonable with my bedtime. Not sure why. I think I’ve changed a lot recently.
I like tomatoes.
I don’t listen to music very much.
I don’t share a lot of personal things with others. I would rather not talk about them.
I wear boy’s deodorant most of the time.
I almost never sign into AIM.
I would rather hang out with my parents than most people.
I’ve outgrown a lot of my friends and I don’t think I’m that sad about it.
I want to settle down with one person in particular for a while. This is a first.
I’m not sad about moving onto something new and leaving other things behing- I’m ready for it.
One thing that hasn’t changed is that I’m on the A-team of Procrastinators. And that’s the only reason I’m awake now anyway. So ima get to finishing this paper.
I’m real sick of college. Thinking of having 2 more years of grad school is… daunting. Maybe I’m just sick of this particular college town, which is likely. But still… I don’t know how I want my life to be. Today someone legitimately asked me where I saw myself in the next few years, and past my necessary goals of finishing school and having a clinical fellowship to become certified, I have no idea. Do I want to live with someone? My boyfriend? Where do I want to live? Near my family? On this side of the country? In this country at all? I dunno. Let’s just finish this semester first. None of this five-year-plan crazy talk.
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