I realize that probably about zero people read this. That’s okay, because I’m not really writing for anyone other than myself. But I would appreciate input if any strangers stumble upon this.
Today my love moved away. Only 3 hours away, but still away. After spending 5 months apart from one another with an ocean in between us this shouldn’t be a big deal, but it seems even worse. I think it’s because there is no foreseeable future in which we will both be living in the same state. I’m about to finish up my undergraduate degree in Pennsylvania while he interns in New Jersey. Then I plan on going to the West Coast for grad school while he works who-knows-where. I want so badly to ask him to stay with me, but I can’t imagine committing to anything so important, so it seems selfish to ask. I don’t know why I love him so much. If I had to choose what my type would be, he might not fit the description. But I love everything about him. He’s silly and fun and one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. He’s not quite as bookish as I am, but he understands things that I never will, and I admire him for it. His kisses are goofy but I miss them already, only having gone 7 hours without one. I’m afraid of cheating myself out of new opportunities to meet people, but I hardly want to when I think of him.
I feel ridiculous, but in my head I imagine 2 possibilities: I marry him or someone else. In my imagination if I marry someone else I just think of myself secretly loving him and missing him without my partner’s knowledge. Silly. Because marriage is so clearly years away from me. But far-sightedness is just part of my nature.
Love hurts. I’m lonely. I used to hate sleeping with others, but now my bed feels cold and alone. I miss him.
